Beauty that sustains...

This is an entry from my journal but I felt like posting it on this blog as well because it is something I have been thinking about lately...

Beauty is a really strange concept when you actually think about it; what it is defined by, what it has come to be, what it was designed as, Who is it's essence...what draws us to it. Unfortunately I think it has become so twisted that in it's true and genuine form, it oftentimes isn't even recognized...that it has been lost.  Not lost in it's existence; lost in it's recognition, enjoyment, quenching of a thirst that I think is in every one of us.  I think we need beauty; we crave it like a drug, seek it in every nook and cranny.  Where can you find it? From the One who is beauty  Who designed it, created it, and is it. And so we seek it.  Women seek it in so many ways...oftentimes masking their true beautiful with an artificial substitute, which, like candy, temporarily satisfies but will never satisfy the hunger, sustain life.

I have come to discover that I find my own beauty of Creation within nature.  Always in nature.  In the glorious natural creations He formed at the beginning of time...I have also come to discover that I draw sustaining life from witnessing them {these creations}, exploring them, drinking in these glorious, majestic beauties designed for us.  I think it's seriously vital (and understated) the importance of knowing the beauty from which you can draw life and replenishment.  As of late, i have felt severely stripped of my own personal beauty and the effects of that have not been pretty.  But withdrawing to a place where I can soak the beauty of Creation into every single pore is so liberating.  It frees me completely into who I am and who I was meant to be.

A special type of hatred

I once read that satan has a special type of hatred towards women and I think he also has a special type of hatred towards men. I have especially felt the wrath of that hatred over these past few weeks as my world has been filled with insecurities, self-doubt, and feelings of worthlessness stemming from the lies he has woven in my head & heart about who I am. Lies that have been so perfectly molded just for me-that know exactly where to sneak in past the strong parts and stab me right where it's soft-just like an armadillos belly.  Lies that wreak havoc especially on a woman's heart, demolishing her sense of value, beauty, and meaning in a world not really defined by what she stands for anymore. Lies that make her question all that she is.  Lies that oftentimes come as whispers, as if they were strewn out by the wind as they weave their sneaky fingers in and around your heart, whispering to you what you are and what you aren't, how you are too much yet, at the same time, never enough. At times, I can almost see that wispy, black, snake of lies floating through the air, hovering over me and wrapping around my arms before penetrating my soul and squeezing the life out.

2 Samuel 22:29-30...You, Lord are my lamp. The Lord turns my darkness to light. With your help I can advance against an army. With my God, I can scale the highest wall...

And that is the truth one has to cling to. Because without it-actually, even with it it still seems impossible sometimes- it would be impossible to escape from the sinking sand of the ingenious lies of the enemy.

Where the Pets Go

I meant to write earlier this week but haven't really felt any desire to do so until today so I have a little catchup to do. First, here is my funny weekend story. Saturday, we made a spontaneous decision to buy a fish together since we want a pet but aren't ready to undertake the task of a puppy yet. It was a pretty humorous trip to PetCo and I want to always remember it; I'll give you a short version.

...on the way to buy pillows...drive by PetCo...

"we should go get a fish!" "Ok!" "Ok!"Go to PetCo. Play with puppies. Fall in love with puppies. Make our way to the small pet section for the novice pet-owner :) Spend approximately 40 minutes looking at every fish. Spend another 10 minutes picking out which tank we want. Ideas for fish-having slowly getting smaller as we realize how expensive fish tanks are. Settle on a little 2-gallon tank. Now, on to picking out fish for fish tank! Realize there are certain specifications for each fish about tank size. After another 10 minute browsing through specifications, we find ourselves limited to almost pebble size guppies. Decide we can stretch the rules. Pick out 1 Dalmation-spotted tropical fish for Josh and 1 all-black one for me. Also pick out plants to go in our tank. Finally ask lady to help us get our new fish. Lady sighs. Asks if that is the tank we are planning on using for these fish. Silence. "um. yes?" Proceeds to explain that we would essentially smash our poor fish's insides by putting them in a 2-gallon tank. Somberly walk back to tank aisle. Momentarily consider dropping 75$ on a large enough tank. Decide we are not meant to be serious fish-havers. Leave store empty-handed. "I guess we just aren't ready for a fish..." Laugh a lot. Buy candy instead. :)

Our first weekend was really special for me.  We spent the weekend exploring, going on dates, doing married-people things like buying pillows ;P and, more than anything, soaking up each other's company.  We had endless time to be silly, laugh, & learn more about each other. Endless time that is uninterrupted by homework, time demands, obligations...Just time together. We went to a new church on Sunday and it was a really good experience for both of us; the first time to be in church together as a married couple.  Just the act of being there, two among an entire family of believers but not knowing a single soul, just us & God spending 1.5 hours in communion together; it moved us both a lot. It is starting to sink in little by little that this isn't just a temporary season of sweet togetherness; that it's just the beginning. <insert happy sigh :) >

A sweet life

After a medium sized meltdown at breakfast time and a large sized encouragement and love from Josh, yesterday was a fun adventure.  Here's a rundown.

Cried at breakfast. Soaked up some love and wisdom from my husband even though he was late for work. He didn't care. I love him. Took a shower. Thought about taking a bath. Remembered again that I hate baths. Decided to overlook that fact because it seemed like a wife-y thing to do when home alone. Definitely made it a bubble bath. Completely enjoyed myself. Guess I don't hate baths after all.  Decided to explore.  Found a tea shop on my gps to drive to.  Unfortunately, tea shop has been replaced by Dry Cleaning. Decided to continue driving to a different coffee shop in St. Charles.  Coffee shop turned out to be apartment complex. Decided gps must have been hacked by serial killers trying to lure me into their lair so drove back to familiar territory. Spent the afternoon at Starbucks soul searching and studying the Word. Total peace. Chatted with Starbucks baristas about things to do here. Realized that no matter where you are from, people think there is nothing to do in their hometown as he proceeded to tell me there was nothing to do in the city of 3 million people (is it 3 million? I don't really know.) Called dad to tell him happy birthday. Talked to mom on the phone. Made homemade bread because it is delicious and I am determined to forever make my own bread. We'll see about that. Accidentally washed sifter. Remembered why you aren't supposed to wash those things. Tried to take it apart. Tried for approximately 30 minutes to get the smooshy flour mash out of the screens. Deemed it a lost cause and put it away anyways.  Made a total disaster with flour. Loved it. Hoped Josh wouldn't come home early or he might kick me out for trashing the place ;P Started the oven on fire. Not really, that was a joke. Missed Josh. Attacked him with hugs and kisses when he got home. Sat around and caught up on each others days. Made up our own recipe for stuffed peppers for supper. Watched an episode of 30 rock. Cleaned up together. Laughed a lot. Life is sweet.

A Mindworm

Already forgot to post an entry yesterday. But who's keeping tabs anyways? Yesterday was a day of unpacking and settling in. But as the boxes empty up and I run out of things to occupy my time, little creepers worm their way into my unoccupied mind reminding me that I miss everyone at home.  It's ok because I know that is part of life but I still let myself feel how much I miss them and long for them because it just shows how much love I have for them.  Josh cooked me supper last night which was fun. I keep forgetting that, unlike the past history of our long-distance dating relationship, there is no end to our time together and that makes me happy.

Today, Josh is back to work in the office. Most of my things are unpacked and I'm fighting the urge to busy myself with other things. I have learned something about myself as of today. I read a line in a book about how many people allow the value and meaning of their work to be determined by a paycheck. I have never thought much about it because I don't really give a poo about money. What I realized, is that I do the same thing but with  "meaningful" work.  I can't be content or feel I have a purpose unless I am doing something "meaningful" with my time.  Which might seem fine, until there are times like now in my life where I have been given a break from life. Time to learn about and explore what marriage is. And I find it very difficult to feel that I am doing anything of value. Which I think means that I do, in fact, derive the meaning and value of my work, from external forces, rather than from the only One from whom real meaning and value is created.