An excerpt from my journal...
And here it is...I've been waiting for this and was under the false assumption that I was prepared. After an entire week of pure joy, love, and closeness in God with Josh, after a beautiful weekend spent with women I love, after working passionately with the Covering House for a few days for the first time, and especially after a beautiful afternoon filled with pure joy, love, and intimacy with God, Satan struck. And hard. Never have I experienced an attack such as that of last night...All the awful lies seemed so true...In the matter of a couple hours, the enemy had transformed me from a joyful, confident woman who felt beautiful, captivating, & mysterious, so excited to be giving of herself to her husband throughout the day, to a terrified, sick, shaking snotball of a little girl curled up sobbing on her side of the bed, refusing every attempt of comfort as Satan even succeeded in twisting those words intended for love into knives that pierced my heart and tore it to shreds. I wanted to run away...maybe even hurt myself for the despicable monster I felt like I had become. I felt like nothing. I could literally feel the darkness choking the life out of me. So helpless, desperate, and alone. Just drowning, deeper & deeper. Although Josh did eventually rescue me from the hands of that monster, the aftermath still lingers today. I have walked in a daze, dragging myself against my will to do things; even coming out to my safehaven to write felt like a brick wall of opposition smashing against me. But here in the face of a lovely sunset, reflecting on Gods glory and the love of my husband, I can feel the shell falling away, life and freedom starting to shine through. Oh how grateful I am.
This has left me with a newfound understanding of something, though. That depressions and emotional disorders are on of the enemy's greatest tools and allies I can now more fully understand. Because never so strongly have I felt the desire to just give in to that darkness as I did during this. To give up. I felt so helpless and hopeless and lost in that dark pit, with what felt like no one fighting for my life; I wanted to quit...give in. And if it weren't for God working through Josh, I think I may have. The haunting question of "How is this worth it?" How can I spend an entire week in total intimacy with God, an entire afternoon of such loving intimacy, praying over our lives, our marriage, everything-feeling so wonderful...only to turn around and find those walls have caved and crumbled in the blink of an eye. How is it worth it. What is the point.
And although I don't have a clear answer, I know now, sitting here in the midst of a glorious picture of God's creation and with renewed; although fragile, spirit, that through our God, through His work through Josh and through me, that there will be enough strength to keep on and put last nights assault behind me to continue with His work for His kingdom. I am so greatly indebted.
Why is it that I feel so ashamed to allow these feelings to be seen by anyone? That after typing all of this, I just want to delete it, afraid of what might be thought about me...that the thought of a spiritual attack is laughable and would be more readily cured with some Prozac...Well, despite the fear of attributing too much to the work of the enemy, I decidedly attribute these insecurities and fears to him as well. What better way to ensnare us than to convince us to mask the pain he has inflicted...to convince us that there must be something wrong with us... and that to allow others to see it would mean to admit defeat, failure, and worst of all, to be alone and rejected. But by falling victim to that lie, as I suspect almost ever woman does, we end up even deeper in the pit of loneliness and rejection as we shamefully tuck away and hide these moments of torment. And so, with much difficulty, I publish one of my darkest moment of weakness and despair in hopes that it may someday reach someone who feels alone in the battle for her heart.
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