"i want you to know that my feelings are true...i really love you...you're my best friend..."

Today, I am feeling extra in love with my Husband... It has been 3 months and it still feels so crazy to say that I have a Husband. I'm sitting here with the goofiest grin on my face even as I write. I love being married. There are so many things that I love that it is hard to think of what I love most. I love...

• living with my best friend
• learning so much more about him than I ever have
• going to bed so I can fall asleep with my head on his chest
• waking up so I can wake up with his arms wrapped around me
• getting groceries together and cooking together
• teaching one another so many new things; how to play tennis, how to run football plays, how to play the piano, a multitude of things about our current passions-environmentalism for Josh and human trafficking for me
• having food fights
• making messes and not cleaning them up
• laughing. laughing. laughing. Did I mention Laughing? 

He is the most amazing person I know.  I sit and am so baffled by the random chance that we should even know one another, let alone that we became friends, fell in love, & gave our lives to one another in marriage.  I am so happy I get to spend my entire life with him. I love being Married. I love being a Wife. I love my Husband.

A weekend at home

Today is a lovely day. It is my favorite kind of day. A rainy one. Every day that is a rainy day is a lovely day for me. And so I have spent this lovely rainy day doing exactly what I felt like doing-enjoying it. And one of my favorite things to do on a rainy day is to think about my other favorite things and so I will give you list of my favorites from this past weekend at home.
1. The drive to NE with Josh, being goofy, talking, listening to our new audiobook, "Doctrine: What Christians Should Believe" by Mark Driscoll, only making 1.5 stops :D 

2. The way the stars look from my house

3. My Australian Shepherd, Gracie, who is getting very fat

4. The way my house smells when I walk in the door

5. The familiarity of my moms tight even though half asleep hug that comes with our usual midnight arrival

6. Waking my dad up my hanging licorice into his open mouth

7. His reaction and that he knew it was me without even opening his eyes

8. The familiarity of his tight hug and scratchy face

9. The half-frightening attack of my siblings and being smothered in their group hug

10. Breakfast with my brothers

11. Seeing my little cousin who made Josh & me an ornament out of a gourd for our 'first spring together being married.'

12. Seeing my grandparents for the first time in 3 months and asking my grandma to do my nails like she always does

13. Grilling for supper-my favorite-we always do this when I get to come home

14. The insane laughing that never fails to make an appearance at our supper table

15. My mom and mom-in-law being friends 

16. Playing poker & pictionary complete with mandatory hat-wearing

17. Staying up too late talking to my dad in the basement

18. Waking up at 5:30 for sunrise service and celebrating Jesus

19. Hugs from old friends

20. Making Easter dinner with Josh

21. Talking with my sister on the porch swing all afternoon

22. Laughing until we cried with my mom and sister

23. How our yard looks, smells, feels on bare feet

24. The blue sky full of clouds

25. That I didn't cry when saying goodbye (for the first time) 

26. The fun laughs on the drive back home to St. Louis.

I love my home. I hate saying goodbye to it when I leave but it makes it that much sweeter. 

My favorite thing from today...

As Josh was leaving for work this morning...
"When God said 'I will make a helper for Adam,' He was talking about you."

I love you J.

Gladiator

This past weekend provided some much needed rest and healing for Josh and me.  Time to spend being silly, romantic, and to soak up each others company. It was wonderful.  Saturday night we watched Gladiator; neither one of us had seen it before; it is a great movie and if you haven't seen it you should.

Something particularly struck me while we were taking in the action packed battles that moved me to tears.  During one of the fight scenes, the gates open and Maximus is faced with several masked and iron-clad warriors ready to smash his face in.  He takes on these ruthless beasts and beats the crap out of them, defeating each one.  Whether it was the fact that their helmets looked a bit demonic, I do not know, but it was then that I thought 'This is what Josh did for you this week...this is how he fought satan  for you.' As the scene continued, and as Maximus conquered even the huge tigers that were unleashed into the ring, I became continually moved by that realization...that this is how my husband defends me...and this is how our God defends us all.

And so as I sat there, with a couple tears bubbling down my cheeks,  Josh's arms wrapped around me, watching Gladiator, of all movies, never have I felt so loved, rescued from the evils of the enemy, and because of that, brave to take on the war in our world.

Battle Wound

An excerpt from my journal...

And here it is...I've been waiting for this and was under the false assumption that I was prepared.  After an entire week of pure joy, love, and closeness in God with Josh, after a beautiful weekend spent with women I love, after working passionately with the Covering House for a few days for the first time, and especially after a beautiful afternoon filled with pure joy, love, and intimacy with God, Satan struck. And hard.  Never have I experienced an attack such as that of last night...All the awful lies seemed so true...In the matter of a couple hours, the enemy had transformed me from a joyful, confident woman who felt beautiful, captivating, & mysterious, so excited to be giving of herself to her husband throughout the day, to a terrified, sick, shaking snotball of a little girl curled up sobbing on her side of the bed, refusing every attempt of comfort as Satan even succeeded in twisting those words intended for love into knives that pierced my heart and tore it to shreds. I wanted to run away...maybe even hurt myself for the despicable monster I felt like I had become.  I felt like nothing. I could literally feel the darkness choking the life out of me.  So helpless, desperate, and alone.  Just drowning, deeper & deeper.  Although Josh did eventually rescue me from the hands of that monster, the aftermath still lingers today.  I have walked in a daze, dragging myself against my will to do things; even coming out to my safehaven to write felt like a brick wall of opposition smashing against me.  But here in the face of a lovely sunset, reflecting on Gods glory and the love of my husband, I can feel the shell falling away, life and freedom starting to shine through.  Oh how grateful I am. 


This has left me with a newfound understanding of something, though.  That depressions and emotional disorders are on of the enemy's greatest tools and allies I can now more fully understand.  Because never so strongly have I felt the desire to just give in to that darkness as I did during this.  To give up.  I felt so helpless and hopeless and lost in that dark pit, with what felt like no one fighting for my life; I wanted to quit...give in.  And if it weren't for God working through Josh, I think I may have.  The haunting question of "How is this worth it?" How can I spend an entire week in total intimacy with God, an entire afternoon of such loving intimacy, praying over our lives, our marriage, everything-feeling so wonderful...only to turn around and find those walls have caved and crumbled in the blink of an eye.  How is it worth it. What is the point. 


And although I don't have a clear answer, I know now, sitting here in the midst of a glorious picture of God's creation and with renewed; although fragile, spirit, that through our God, through His work through Josh and through me, that there will be enough strength to keep on and put last nights assault behind me to continue with His work for His kingdom.  I am so greatly indebted.   


Why is it that I feel so ashamed to allow these feelings to be seen by anyone? That after typing all of this, I just want to delete it, afraid of what might be thought about me...that the thought of a spiritual attack is laughable and would be more readily cured with some Prozac...Well, despite the fear of attributing too much to the work of the enemy, I decidedly attribute these insecurities and fears to him as well.  What better way to ensnare us than to convince us to mask the pain he has inflicted...to convince us that there must be something wrong with us... and that to allow others to see it would mean to admit defeat, failure, and worst of all, to be alone and rejected.  But by falling victim to that lie, as I suspect almost ever woman does, we end up even deeper in the pit of loneliness and rejection as we shamefully tuck away and hide these moments of torment. And so, with much difficulty, I publish one of my darkest moment of weakness and despair in hopes that it may someday reach someone who feels alone in the battle for her heart.